The World’s Oldest Profession Has A Modern Mistress
Justine Ezarik, alias “iJustine”, is the internet. Or so she claims. Al Gore would be rolling in his grave, were he dead. What’s he doing these days?
iJustine is a figure I’ve struggled with over the years. She inexplicably inspires such conflict in me. Let me first get something out of the way: She is not dumb. iJustine is brilliant, and to believe she isn’t more calculating than Speidi is to vastly underestimate her. That said, there are plenty of brilliant strangers who we reserve great dislike for.
Justine is hot. That’s her primary selling point. She isn’t particularly insightful or witty, but she knows that she’s attractive. This is what the slobbering troglodytes tune in for (to say nothing of the non-slobbering kind). I mean, doesn’t she just look exactly like that valley girl we all had a crush on while simultaneously wanting to punch in her heavily made-up face? I think they call this “hate-fucking”. Famous, opinionated blondes seem to be no stranger to this phenomenon, so maybe it’s becoming a stereotype, though perhaps that’s best left to the social scientists to figure out. I digress. This attractiveness combined with her accessibility is not a new formula: I think you’ll find the girls of The Hills attempting to parlay this exact thing into lasting careers. The Hills is a very fitting analogy, because in nature, Justine is the LC of the blogosphere. Instead of a camera crew following her around, she does it herself. With a Flip camera glued to her hand (other cameras are available), her life is a reality show, every minute streamed online. “Look at her, using the Twitter and the Flickr! She’s just like us!” goes the rallying cry of her bedroom-dwelling acolytes.
Her obsession with Apple is another selling point. Even in her nom de plume, this obsession is proclaimed: iJustine. That lowercase letter her favorite company is so fond of using. It’s no coincidence that she found fame shortly after Apple did. They rode to chic after the debut of the iPod, becoming the Kleenex or Xerox of MP3 players, and the bodacious blonde became the figurehead of this new movement, latching onto Apple’s success. She appeared in Mac related media like MacBreak Weekly, always had an iPod glued to her ears, was one of the first in line for both iPhones and publicized getting that 300 page phone bill. As ‘Obama girl’ is to Obama, so is she ‘Apple girl’ to Apple. As Obama is to Change, iJustine is to the hipness of the Mac cult. Though, between valley girls and coffee-shop-lurking hipsters, how much longer will this hipness last? Will she fade with it as quickly as she rose? No, she’ll endure. She’s attached herself to plenty of other companies. Without going so far as to say “shill”, her image is also associated with (to name a couple) Twitter, where she has nearly 800,000 followers, and Facebook, where she had to ask Facebook to increase her friend limit after reaching the 5000 friend limit numerous times over. She’s made sure to entwine herself with every brand that could remotely be viewed as “cool”
This Wired article from April 2008 did a brief profile of Justine. A phenomenally interesting person, she can “bark like a dog” and “the first website she ever visited was Nintendo.com” Put your criticisms to bed, philistines! Internet celebrities are just as fascinating as real ones! Part of my rage is probably xenophobia. I don’t like that people label her as a “geek” or “nerd”. It used to mean something, man! Once when Bill Gates was asked if he considered himself a nerd, he replied “I don’t think I can be officially considered a nerd. I’ve never worn a pocket protector”. Not only that, but she is clearly not a geek or nerd. She might be good at selling herself, but I’ve never seen her do anything that displays exceptional technical proficiency.
To clarify, my gripe isn’t that you can’t be a nerd if you’re attractive. As proof, I offer Amanda Congdon. Amanda has appeared in countless “Hottest Bloggers” lists. She also graduated magna cum laude from Northwestern University before achieving popularity as an anchor on Rocketboom, where her offbeat quirkiness and charisma attracted hundreds of thousands of viewers. She’s currently working on Sometimesdaily, which you really need to watch.
iJustine has… what? Oh. Dancing to Mmmbop in an Apple Store. Getting a giant phone bill. Moving her eyes to the beat of Shutup And Let Me Go.
Also, she was Team Taylor.
I have no doubt that Justine’s a genuinely nice person. I’m happy for her success, honestly. At the very least, she’s shown that there’s room for someone to be an icon on the web like in more traditional media. Ultimately, like many things, it’s a matter of difference in taste. I don’t find her at all interesting, and I make it a point to avoid vapid girls despite how cute they may be. Just don’t send me her links. I have no use for iJustine.
