Chapter 02: Interior Recording Studio
INT. RECORDING STUDIO - RADIO STATION KQUIRK FM
A gaunt man with ample facial hair, a long, dark mane and bright eyes, REGINALD, lifts headphones that resemble electric blue earmuffs over his head. They snap to his ears, though he doesn’t wince. Reginald flicks a few switches and points at his co-host off-screen. We smash across to Reginald’s co-host, JACK SHEPHERD, a similar-aged man with shoulder length auburn hair and stubble. He points back and grins at his friend. Reginald flicks one last switch and a sign on the desk reading “ON-AIR” lights up. Several exclamation points have been scratched into the sign.
REGINALD
Oi oi, it’s the top of the hour and you’re listening to KQUIRK and here’s your host… I AM! Sitting opposite me is the handsomely scruffy Jack Shepherd, say hello Jack.
JACK
Hullo.
REGINALD
We have a sexcellent show today-
JACK
Reginald.
REGINALD
Yes Jack?
JACK
Come on.
REGINALD
We have a quite good show today. How’s that?
JACK
Good boy.
REGINALD
Uhhh okay, so here are some things that will happen in the next hour or TWO! We’ve got Roger Daltrey, we’re giving him a ring. Got ol’ Sly on the phone as well, AAAAAAAAAND our regular items “10 Things I Hate About You” and “Fix It”.
JACK
Well done Reginald
REGINALD
Don’t patronise me Jack, I’m not a little boy.
JACK
You’re a big boy.
REGINALD
I am a fully-grown man, and a rather dapper one at that!
JACK
Dapper? You’re wearing giant military boots. You came into the studio this morning and I could hear you from all the way down the hall, thunk thunk thunk.
REGINALD
I’m getting the finger from Little Nick, our producer Little Nick, the lovely Irish fella. Let’s play a song.
JACK
Sleepwalker by Megadeath.
REGINALD
We ain’t playing that Jack, I’ve had enough of your metaling with the music. Meddling, metaling.
JACK
Oh very clever!
REGINALD
Let’s play something for our loverly listeners to make love to.
JACK
Okay then, I’ve got the perfect track.
REGINALD
See you all on the other side of the song.
They put down their headphones as “Rape Me” by Nirvana starts playing. Jacks rubs his already red eyes.
REGINALD
Have you been drinking Jack?
JACK
I had a little sippy sippy before I came in.
REGINALD
Alcohol is bad for you, Jack. Don’t drink it, don’t go NEAR it.
JACK
Yeah yeah yeah.
The tedious tone in Jack’s voice hints that he’s heard the anti-alcohol tirade thousands of times before. Little Nick bursts into the studio and starts muttering gibberish.
LITTLE NICK
Tukishabenatactbyagostinthersuburneiborhood.
REGINALD
Hm?
LITTLE NICK
Two kids have been attacked by a ghost in their suburban neighbourhood!
REGINALD
Ah, I was wondering when our chapter would connect with the story established in the previous one.
LITTLE NICK
We’re flying you out to interview them now.
JACK
Flying us out? We’re a tiny radio station. We didn’t even have enough money to buy a new stapler the other week.
LITTLE NICK
That’s because I spent all the money on a helicopter. You need to go, now.
Reginald and Jack glance at each other, looking for mutual reassurance. This is a theme.
INT. HELICOPTER FLYING HIGH IN THE SKY
Reginald and Jack sit next to each other.
REGINALD
Hold me?
JACK
No.
REGINALD (shouting)
How long until we land?
The pilot motions to a helmet next to Reginald. He picks it up and puts it on, speaking into the microphone.
REGINALD
How long until we land?
PILOT
Oh you’re not landing.
REGINALD
I think I misheard you.
PILOT
I don’t know how to land. You guys are gonna have to jump out when we get there.
REGINALD
How’re you going to get out then?
PILOT
I’m going to fly the chopper into the ocean and attempt to swim out.
JACK
Marvelous.
REGINALD
Well, at least I can cross this off my Bucket List.
JACK
That was an awful movie.
REGINALD
Concurred.
PILOT
We’re here.
REGINALD
Let’s do it to it! Let’s get this party started.
Reginald takes a running dive out of the helicopter. We follow him out, and then track back to see his parachute lying on the floor of the passenger hold.
JACK
God damnit.
Jack leaps out, streamlining his body in an attempt to catch Reginald, whose wild hair is streaming about in the wind. He grasps at the wiry mess and Reginald’s head jerks back. Jack holds on tight to the clump and fires his parachute, slowing them down. Reginald gives an almighty yell as the drag puts strain on his hair.
REGINALD
This can’t be great for my roots.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLAYGROUND
H and Guadalupe run as fast as they can, burning through their stamina. A wild, ghost-possessed D, their former friend, pursues them, hands and clothes bloody. It gives a horrendous shriek. The two boys find themselves trapped up against a fence.
H
I’m not a religious man, but it’s going to take divine intervention to get us out of this one.
A tangle of limbs impacts The Person Formerly Known As D like a gothic asteroid, crumpling the supernatural being. Reginald straightens up and adjusts his shirt.
REGINALD
That was not nice, Jack.
Jack descends steadily and throws off his parachute, walking towards the kids.
JACK
I think these are the folks we’re supposed to find. H and Guadalupe?
GUADALUPE
That’s us.
REGINALD
You’re going to have to come with us.
H
Reginald?
REGINALD
Yes, hello, would you like an autograph?
H
I listen to your radio show every night.
REGINALD
Then we’re already practically family.
GUADALUPE
What the hell is going on?
JACK
There’s been an insurrection of the supernatural kind. Mad ghosts are possessing men and women left and right.
H
What about centre?
JACK
We’re centre, smack dab in the middle. Nobody’s coming for us, we have to fend for ourselves.
REGINALD
What is this insanity? I didn’t know any of this?
JACK
You were too busy doing your hair before we left. Little Nick was telling me. Listen, I think we should sort out our roles.
H
Ah, you’re genre-aware.
JACK
I think, logically, I should be the gruff leader.
REGINALD
Why’s that?
JACK
My name is Jack Shepherd.
REGINALD
You make a good point. I’ll be the heroic bard.
JACK
I think you’d do better as a damsel in distress.
REGINALD
I’ve got charisma, Jacky. I can bard until the cows come home.
JACK
Very well. H, what about you?
H rolls a 20-sided die.
H
I guess I’ll be a rogue.
GUADALUPE
I’ll take Warlord then.
He produces a giant warhammer and heaves it over his shoulder.
JACK
That’s quite surprising.
H
That is seriously badass.
JACK
Let’s move.
The adventurers scarper. We pull back and get a view of the entire town. Sporadic fires have started in houses around town, and people can be seeing fleeing in terror. Chaos has erupted. Bruce Springsteen sells his favorite guitar to a passer-by for gas money, trying to escape the city.
