Chapter 06: It’s a matter of perspective
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
The polished black boots of a self-aggrandizing radio host crunch as they strut across the pine needles strewn on the forest floor. Reginald climbs a tree, heroically.
REGINALD
For as far as I can see, the end to this crisis is as veiled as the meaning to life itself.
With a long and slender palm across his brow, he peers left and right. Civilisation lies miles away. This was better a spot for tactical withdrawal than many in these darkened times. With a great leap, he flies from the tree, landing gracefully on the ground below.
REGINALD
For now, to camp I shall return, to regroup and report my reconnaissance.
EXT. LOG CABIN
H sits in a deck chair, leaning back against the wall of the cabin.
H
I HAVE A GUN I KNOW KARATE I CAN SHOOT LIGHTNING OUT OF MY HANDS I HAVE A FIERY AXE OF GHOST-SLAYING +10 TO ELEMENTALS I CAN STOP YOUR HEART WITH MY MIND.
Reginald peers through the bushes.
REGINALD (muttering)
What a fool. His shouting shall only lure our doom quicker. I doubt they are afraid of tall tales.
He steps regally forth from the leafy bulwark, intending to shut the fool up. H notices Reginald approaching and startles.
H
WHO’S THERE? WHAT DO YOU WANT? DON’T COME ANY CLOSER, I HAVE MACE! A LITERAL MACE, ALSO! IT’S RIGHT HERE AND I’LL HIT YOU WITH IT!
REGINALD
Quiet now, you boor.
H (hissing)
What the fuck are you doing?
REGINALD
Inspecting our surroundings for escape routes.
H
We’re in the middle of nowhere.
REGINALD
Maybe so, but that doesn’t make us safe. I’d rather know what’s around us so if I… errr, we need to go somewhere, we’re not hindered.
H
You can go wherever you want, as long as it’s not on me
REGINALD
What about your mate?
H
He can go wherever he wants also.
REGINALD
Do you remember the code word for when we need to retreat?
H
Toucha toucha toucha touch me.
REGINALD
I wanna be dirrrrrrrty. Very good.
Reginald takes a seat next to H and leans back. He pulls out a pipe and starts smoking, like wise old Gandalf the Grey. We slowly zoom in on Reginald as he delivers a beautiful speech, full of melancholy
REGINALD
It’s lonely, quiet nights like these that make me ask questions that inspire such despair. Existential problems that cannot be solved. What’s the point if we’re all going to die? Where do we go afterwards? Do we have a soul?
H
Funny you should say that, I was just writing about the soul.
REGINALD
Careful, H. The life examined is not worth living, the life spent recording as well. It is more important to achieve than to document achievements made.
H
And the things that are said.
REGINALD
I’m afraid that’s not much better.
H
Somebody’s gotta keep a record of this.
REGINALD
I suppose somebody should be left to dictate the derring-do of Reginald Barnet.
Reginald peers over and surreptitiously views H’s writing.
REGINALD
It seems you’re misrepresenting some minor details about our tale.
H
Stop reading what I’m writing! Are you saying when you turn your account of this nightmare into a novel, you won’t creatively augment the experience to represent yourself better by comparison?
REGINALD
My account shall be made into a great film, not a novel. Such narrow-mindedness.
H re-positions himself in an awkward and surely uncomfortable position to prevent Reginald further access to his writing. Reginald begins to feel sleep overcoming him. Satisfied with his safety after his venture into the dark, gloomy forest, he chances a nap, letting his soulful eyes become eclipsed by their fleshy lids. He drifts in and out of consciousness, his dreams melding with reality.
JACK (in his dream)
I heard you talking about inspecting our surroundings. Very well done, Reginald.
Reginald beams with pride and validation.
H (also in his dream)
Reginald is far more attractive than I and should be awarded King of the World.
GUADALUPE (again, in his dream)
Woof woof.
JACK (in his dream)
Dinosaurs, Reginald! Please save us!
Reginald snaps awake in time to hear a great crashing. Trees, torn asunder by a rampaging triceratops. H sits in his chair, scared to near-paralysis. His remaining functional limb, his hand, scrawls something about colours. With the survival of the party on his hands, Reginald pushes H out of the way, charging in front of the horned beast. He thrusts his arms wide in an attempt to frighten it. It flinches. The momentary hesitation is all Reginald needs. In a superhuman leap, his body glides through the air, his manly hands grasping the horns of the Cretacious critter and landing softly on its back. The beast stops and stands, docile. It snorts, contemplating what to do next, then bows down. Reginald, like Mowgli in drainpipes, soothes the beast as his companions watch on.
INT. LOG CABIN
Jack, H, and a now-conscious Guadalupe stand around the fire, waiting for something. After several moments, Reginald strides in.
REGINALD
I have communed with the noble creature and I believe I’ve found the solution to our problem. It is confused and scared, having been transported through time and space by a divine power. On its travels, it heard rumors of a fallen God taking refuge on Mount Sinai. It is there we shall find our answers.
JACK
We make for Mount Sinai!
H
Man, that is super far away.
REGINALD
Don’t you worry about that…
Crash zoom extreme close up of Reginald.
REGINALD
The dinosaur can fly.
GUADALUPE
Woof.
