Tuesday November 17, 2009 at 15:57

meaghano: I spent 1994 to 1997 harboring the same unrequited crush on a boy who, when he heard, told our entire 4th grade class as we lined up to go back inside after recess, that this couldn’t possibly be true, because “if Meaghan O. liked me, I would be in the bathroom barfing right now.” “It’s not true!” I yelled out, and wanted to die. I mean, truly wanted to die in a way you don’t really want to die anymore when you grow up. Don’t get me wrong, I want to die all the time still but not in that way. Not in that I am nothing way. So I was ass over elbows for this kid for pretty much the rest of my adolescence, and eventually we became friends because I sort of leveled up in popularity self-esteem after quitting Girl Scouts and refusing to wear glasses and reading all of my mom’s Anatomy books so that I told everyone I knew everything I knew about fuckin and then got kicked out of the gifted program because I had a mouth like a sailor and was generally too much of a badass. Anyway we became friends and I would write poems about him and he would find out and I would do presentations in class about Madonna songs I considered to be about him and he would sit through them, and I would give him nicknames and send him long notes about how he PLAYED with my HEART and then we would hold hands during Anne Frank and he would tell me I looked really pretty in my new smiley face hair clip but that Michael Fowler was telling all the boys in PE class that I didn’t wear gym shorts under my pleated skirt. Eventually things escalated and we talked on the phone every night from 4:10 (when he got off the bus) until 8pm (when my mom kicked me off the phone because…I…had been on it for four hours) and when I was grounded he would pretend to have a homework question and we would do our homework out loud and then he would tell  me he just did that so he could hear my voice I would hang up and run and sing and skip around the house and my mom would say, Baby, I hate to tell you this, but that ain’t ever gonna happen. And I probably yelled at her then went and wrote in my diary and made plans to go to the skating rink over Thanksgiving. We went and we held hands during couples skate to LeeAnn Rimes’ “How Do I Live (without you! srsly!)” but we- like somehow, at 12, we managed to be in the sort of relationship gray area mostly tailored to people our age now! But much like now I was in no hurry to define things! I didn’t care about lousy titles! I just wanted to hold hands during the sad songs so I knew what it felt like and could yell at my mom that I knew what love was more than she ever would! It was fall of ‘97 and I was literally living out a dream— a dream I had written about for years and years in my stupid diaries and in Petrarchan sonnets rife with simile and forced rhyme, in notes to my stupid friends who would always show them to him on the bus ride home, in elaborate math equations, theonly time i enjoy it, attempting to predict the likelihood of our together foreverness based on vowels and consonants and dammit we had some many wonderful E’s! — but he told my friend he wasn’t sure. He was 12 and he liked to hold my hand but he had read my sonnets and he wasn’t sure. He had heard my ideas of “Take a Bow” and all it meant and he wasn’t sure.  He could never really know, you see, if he really liked me or if he just liked me because I loved him. He said we couldn’t be together because he could never love me as much as I loved him. No seriously, he did. This was like 1997 and he was emotionally unavailable. Anyway Christmas break came around and I went to Tallahassee to look for our new house and by the time I got back he was GOING OUT with a girl who was in HIGH SCHOOL and the rumor was that he did things to her that Romeo did to Juliet in the Baz Luhrman movie (sorry, couldn’t make that up). Obviously I cried a lot but it fit perfectly with my overtly tragic (Lurlene McDaniel-influenced) sense of how things would pan out for me in the long run. I wrote him notes that would put a grown man TO SHAME. 10, 20 page notes with the rhetorical skill of Friends, Romans, Countryman but more along the lines of “thank you for teaching me what “suck” feels like”. (actual line). Eventually my rage subsided into deciding to pretend the girl friend didn’t exist and letting him call me every night again and letting him sneak up behind me in the lunchline every day and put his cold chocolate milk up to my cheek to scare me which only worked the first few times but months and months later was something I got excited about in the shower before school. Soon enough we were passing notes again and I taught him how to write block letters and he taught me about the NBA and we’d do all our assignments together and his hand would always be on my thigh before we knew why we liked it and soon we were getting in trouble for ‘giving each other googly eyes’ in class and people called me a whore for flirting with him and people gave him shit for leading me on but i didn’t CARE because here was my dream so we passed note after note after note and I still have most of them and most of them end the same way. Every time he wrote me a note he would write 8 little ‘lines’ before he signed his name. He wouldn’t tell me what they meant and I was never really sure but he wrote them every time. He would come over and write them on my math homework, on the margins of my social studies notes, on the cover of my religion book, in white out on his backpack. I went utterly batshit but he never gave in, just smiled and shrugged and made my heart pine for him to such an extreme it’s a wonder I didn’t pass out half the time. Soon the lines became some other language between us, carving out a little 12 year old Us-Them before we knew that’s what people did; we wrote our names in block letters and we had nicknames for everything and we’d write Mariah Carey song lyrics in tiny writing at the bottom of our letters and I think that was one of the last times I participated in something, in intimacy, before I could name it. And then one day he told me he broke up with his girl friend. And then a few days later he told me there were 8 lines because there were 8 letters in I love you. And then we totally made out. Beautiful. Perhaps my only regret from my childhood is that I’ll never have stories like this. I was a slut in elementary school and a misanthropic asshole for most of high school, neither of which inspire the kind of emotional beauty required to write something like this.

meaghano:

I spent 1994 to 1997 harboring the same unrequited crush on a boy who, when he heard, told our entire 4th grade class as we lined up to go back inside after recess, that this couldn’t possibly be true, because “if Meaghan O. liked me, I would be in the bathroom barfing right now.”

“It’s not true!” I yelled out, and wanted to die. I mean, truly wanted to die in a way you don’t really want to die anymore when you grow up. Don’t get me wrong, I want to die all the time still but not in that way. Not in that I am nothing way.

So I was ass over elbows for this kid for pretty much the rest of my adolescence, and eventually we became friends because I sort of leveled up in popularity self-esteem after quitting Girl Scouts and refusing to wear glasses and reading all of my mom’s Anatomy books so that I told everyone I knew everything I knew about fuckin and then got kicked out of the gifted program because I had a mouth like a sailor and was generally too much of a badass. Anyway we became friends and I would write poems about him and he would find out and I would do presentations in class about Madonna songs I considered to be about him and he would sit through them, and I would give him nicknames and send him long notes about how he PLAYED with my HEART and then we would hold hands during Anne Frank and he would tell me I looked really pretty in my new smiley face hair clip but that Michael Fowler was telling all the boys in PE class that I didn’t wear gym shorts under my pleated skirt.

Eventually things escalated and we talked on the phone every night from 4:10 (when he got off the bus) until 8pm (when my mom kicked me off the phone because…I…had been on it for four hours) and when I was grounded he would pretend to have a homework question and we would do our homework out loud and then he would tell  me he just did that so he could hear my voice I would hang up and run and sing and skip around the house and my mom would say, Baby, I hate to tell you this, but that ain’t ever gonna happen.

And I probably yelled at her then went and wrote in my diary and made plans to go to the skating rink over Thanksgiving.

We went and we held hands during couples skate to LeeAnn Rimes’ “How Do I Live (without you! srsly!)” but we- like somehow, at 12, we managed to be in the sort of relationship gray area mostly tailored to people our age now! But much like now I was in no hurry to define things! I didn’t care about lousy titles! I just wanted to hold hands during the sad songs so I knew what it felt like and could yell at my mom that I knew what love was more than she ever would! It was fall of ‘97 and I was literally living out a dream— a dream I had written about for years and years in my stupid diaries and in Petrarchan sonnets rife with simile and forced rhyme, in notes to my stupid friends who would always show them to him on the bus ride home, in elaborate math equations, theonly time i enjoy it, attempting to predict the likelihood of our together foreverness based on vowels and consonants and dammit we had some many wonderful E’s! — but he told my friend he wasn’t sure. He was 12 and he liked to hold my hand but he had read my sonnets and he wasn’t sure. He had heard my ideas of “Take a Bow” and all it meant and he wasn’t sure.  He could never really know, you see, if he really liked me or if he just liked me because I loved him.

He said we couldn’t be together because he could never love me as much as I loved him.

No seriously, he did. This was like 1997 and he was emotionally unavailable.

Anyway Christmas break came around and I went to Tallahassee to look for our new house and by the time I got back he was GOING OUT with a girl who was in HIGH SCHOOL and the rumor was that he did things to her that Romeo did to Juliet in the Baz Luhrman movie (sorry, couldn’t make that up).

Obviously I cried a lot but it fit perfectly with my overtly tragic (Lurlene McDaniel-influenced) sense of how things would pan out for me in the long run. I wrote him notes that would put a grown man TO SHAME. 10, 20 page notes with the rhetorical skill of Friends, Romans, Countryman but more along the lines of “thank you for teaching me what “suck” feels like”. (actual line).

Eventually my rage subsided into deciding to pretend the girl friend didn’t exist and letting him call me every night again and letting him sneak up behind me in the lunchline every day and put his cold chocolate milk up to my cheek to scare me which only worked the first few times but months and months later was something I got excited about in the shower before school. Soon enough we were passing notes again and I taught him how to write block letters and he taught me about the NBA and we’d do all our assignments together and his hand would always be on my thigh before we knew why we liked it and soon we were getting in trouble for ‘giving each other googly eyes’ in class and people called me a whore for flirting with him and people gave him shit for leading me on but i didn’t CARE because here was my dream so we passed note after note after note and I still have most of them and most of them end the same way.

Every time he wrote me a note he would write 8 little ‘lines’ before he signed his name.

He wouldn’t tell me what they meant and I was never really sure but he wrote them every time. He would come over and write them on my math homework, on the margins of my social studies notes, on the cover of my religion book, in white out on his backpack. I went utterly batshit but he never gave in, just smiled and shrugged and made my heart pine for him to such an extreme it’s a wonder I didn’t pass out half the time.

Soon the lines became some other language between us, carving out a little 12 year old Us-Them before we knew that’s what people did; we wrote our names in block letters and we had nicknames for everything and we’d write Mariah Carey song lyrics in tiny writing at the bottom of our letters and I think that was one of the last times I participated in something, in intimacy, before I could name it.

And then one day he told me he broke up with his girl friend.

And then a few days later he told me there were 8 lines because there were 8 letters in I love you.

And then we totally made out.

Beautiful.

Perhaps my only regret from my childhood is that I’ll never have stories like this. I was a slut in elementary school and a misanthropic asshole for most of high school, neither of which inspire the kind of emotional beauty required to write something like this.

This post was reblogged from Life is hard. Here is someone..

  1. adevil4lostboys reblogged this from meaghano
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  6. mollygolightlytraveling reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    middle school love, high school action.
  7. whatyousaygoes reblogged this from polarbearprince
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  12. allisonsays reblogged this from hi-im-halle and added:
    so that was really cute. and then the end just totally… hahaha. wow.
  13. mamaweallgotohell reblogged this from comedrivemewild
  14. finlandia28 reblogged this from pirouettes and added:
    this. was. amazing.
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  18. igniteus reblogged this from lzar and added:
    ilyanep:meaghano:
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  21. polaroidcrayons reblogged this from thelightningthief
  22. hi-im-halle reblogged this from miscilaineyous13 and added:
    and then we totally made out. oh
  23. cantbuysincerity reblogged this from miscilaineyous13 and added:
    And then we totally made out.
  24. padfootly reblogged this from lzar
  25. lzar reblogged this from ilyanep and added:
    this is beautiful
  26. ilyanep reblogged this from meaghano
  27. achtungbaby reblogged this from textravert
  28. astraly reblogged this from picatostes
  29. picatostes reblogged this from lanneshearts and added:
    I spent 1994 to 1997 harboring the same unrequited crush on a boy who, when he heard, told our entire 4th grade class as...
  30. textravert reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    ever read. meaghano:
  31. beautifuldecay reblogged this from ericnelson
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  33. salubriousextrications reblogged this from ericnelson
  34. naotaa reblogged this from ericnelson
  35. erisatotheright reblogged this from amandoline and added:
    Everyone should read this.
  36. ibeatfor reblogged this from ericnelson
  37. googletheparty reblogged this from ericnelson
  38. amandoline reblogged this from ericnelson
  39. leckers reblogged this from meaghano
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  42. freetheflowerpeople reblogged this from meaghano
  43. splitsecondthoughts reblogged this from meaghano
  44. ilyaess reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    obnoxious blogs. For...read this one. It
  45. nuclearphysics reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Meaghan O’Connell. This blog post, specifically. Because...so simultaneously excited that,...
  46. aupair reblogged this from mokyo and added:
    This is one real love story. (L) it.
  47. saralnr reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Everybody should read...it’s quite possibly...cutest thing...
  48. mokyo reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    OMG WOW WOW WOW …….
  49. upabovedownbelow reblogged this from meaghano
  50. lovelyafterthought reblogged this from meaghano
  51. d621 reblogged this from yolee9
  52. brokennecksfeatherweights reblogged this from classics and added:
    This is wonderful.
  53. eartha reblogged this from yojeegs
  54. kaddy reblogged this from ohaiwada
  55. megannelaiine reblogged this from katycatastrophe
  56. angelocracy reblogged this from meaghano
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  58. megmarch reblogged this from eponinethenardier
  59. katycatastrophe reblogged this from lissalynn and added:
    I spent 1994 to 1997 harboring the same unrequited crush on a boy who, when he heard, told our entire 4th grade class as...
  60. lissalynn reblogged this from eponinethenardier
  61. leannersz reblogged this from seemcat
  62. eponinethenardier reblogged this from m0rningeyes and added:
    classics:meaghano:
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  66. ladooores reblogged this from renduhlyn and added:
    yojeegs:classics:meaghano: I spent 1994 to 1997 harboring the same unrequited crush on a boy who, when he heard, told...
  67. renduhlyn reblogged this from yojeegs
  68. twoyearsdown reblogged this from ouchmyfeelings
  69. yojeegs reblogged this from classics and added:
    Too fucking cute :)
  70. fyeahmaraluna reblogged this from classics
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  76. ayenunderthesun reblogged this from rationalbeing
  77. lalalals reblogged this from classics and added:
    WOW. I read the whole thing. :)) I pretty much didnt like the end but it was sweet though :)
  78. gelasolcruz reblogged this from classics
  79. emazingly reblogged this from smusical and added:
    I normally don’t read the long obnoxious blogs. For some reason I read this one. It was worth it.
  80. loveanopenmind reblogged this from classics
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  86. ohaiwada reblogged this from classics
  87. adhesivexsparkle reblogged this from classics and added:
    wow. this is cute in a funny kinda way
  88. kaylasekey reblogged this from pivotto
  89. heartinajunkyard reblogged this from classics and added:
    This is so sweet, I just had to reblog it. :)
  90. xodancing-dead reblogged this from classics
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  109. assortedgoodness reblogged this from ceandersen
  110. ceandersen reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    dave secretary, kind of.
  111. kateleigh reblogged this from meaghano
  112. ferrydust reblogged this from threeseptembersandajanuary and added:
    thethinkingtank: tylercoates:
  113. gabriellaxxx reblogged this from meaghano
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  115. littleyellowbook reblogged this from meaghano
  116. donnahotterthanasauna reblogged this from meaghano
  117. meshedwithrose reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    BEST. STORY. EVER.
  118. happyhearts reblogged this from meaghano
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  133. ohsnapthisismyjam reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Kevin Birulin. Anyone ever know
  134. eatingtears reblogged this from meaghano
  135. ryder reblogged this from cultyouth and added:
    and whatever happens your life will never be as adorable as this.
  136. trippingoverjoy reblogged this from meaghano
  137. thinkingloudly reblogged this from meaghano
  138. cultyouth reblogged this from meaghano
  139. socontroversial reblogged this from sampetrie
  140. ariannatastic reblogged this from meaghano
  141. clutteredtchotch reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    complete penis - versus...half complete one…wha? -...letters...
  142. carasays reblogged this from allisonweiss
  143. sallyoath reblogged this from meaghano
  144. nikkigolightly reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    middle school hahaha
  145. pointseven reblogged this from meaghano
  146. suckstoyourassmar reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Best thing I’ve
  147. ninaninalouise reblogged this from meaghano
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  149. itsallaboutromeo reblogged this from lightthesky
  150. infiniheart reblogged this from lightthesky
  151. ukulady reblogged this from lightthesky and added:
    that was so sweet…and then I lol’d at the last line
  152. lightthesky reblogged this from meaghano
  153. kylexo reblogged this from meghanwithanh
  154. valerina reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    it’s borderline inappropriate. You...whole thing. It’s way
  155. rainbow-parfait reblogged this from meaghano
  156. paininthears reblogged this from meaghano
  157. this-is-me-unrestrained reblogged this from meaghano
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  169. meghanwithanh reblogged this from dammitsarah
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  172. pretentiousquips reblogged this from threeseptembersandajanuary
  173. mlabrosse reblogged this from threeseptembersandajanuary and added:
    I actually don’t believe how cute that is,hahaa
  174. threeseptembersandajanuary reblogged this from thethinkingtank
  175. montannajenner reblogged this from allisonweiss
  176. audreyluu reblogged this from presidents and added:
    Haha. 8 lines = 8 letters in “I love you.” Cute stuff.
  177. littleking reblogged this from shmannah
  178. sampetrie reblogged this from dammitsarah
  179. dammitsarah reblogged this from abcdefghiloveyou
  180. meanzypeanzy reblogged this from padmeamidala
  181. kaymazing reblogged this from thethinkingtank and added:
    CLICK THE LINK! DO IT DO IT!
  182. jimmyhooker reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Awesome. The best. I’m
  183. isadisaster5 reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    omg seriously? i’m going
  184. reesesoco reblogged this from meaghano
  185. toomuchto reblogged this from thethinkingtank and added:
    Really, read it. It made me feel…more like a real person, I guess, because there are other people that were stupid and...
  186. thethinkingtank reblogged this from tylercoates
  187. padmeamidala reblogged this from shmannah
  188. realityattached reblogged this from espressogirl
  189. atragicloveaffair reblogged this from espressogirl
  190. princessxflo reblogged this from allisonweiss
  191. espressogirl reblogged this from meaghano
  192. writetruth reblogged this from thebeautyandthetragedy
  193. littleheart reblogged this from fujiidom and added:
    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D this makes me SO happy. :):):)
  194. gandhilovereblogs reblogged this from multicoloredpenguinsandsocks
  195. multicoloredpenguinsandsocks reblogged this from allisonweiss
  196. brunetteshavemorefun reblogged this from allisonweiss
  197. restartist reblogged this from wellthatsjustgreat and added:
    it.s hard: wot gets to one person: [mind you i am still stuck at the age and time period of the writer] an wot gets to...
  198. abcdefghiloveyou reblogged this from meaghano
  199. needtherapy reblogged this from meaghano
  200. caitlinsavannah reblogged this from allisonweiss and added:
    This story is FABULOUS. Enjoy.
  201. theuglyone reblogged this from heysean
  202. heysean reblogged this from ericnelson and added:
    Read More Long post, but hilarious and genuine. I laughed the whole time.
  203. allfivehorizons reblogged this from meaghano
  204. smarterthanme reblogged this from allisonweiss
  205. thedaysarelongandshort reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Meghan O is fucking great! It’s telling, funny, heart wrenching, honest,...opinion. Click...
  206. schwartzy reblogged this from jakec and added:
    Seriously, kids are awesome. Kids in love are even awesomer.
  207. glitterbubbles reblogged this from adnauseam and added:
    I read this whole thing, and I swear my heart stopped at the end. yeah, I totally agree that we can all relate to this....
  208. ladyinspain reblogged this from allisonweiss
  209. wellthatsjustgreat reblogged this from tylercoates and added:
    yeah…pretty great stuff. Ag
  210. adnauseam reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    A few things: please read...at meaghano’s tumblr it took me
  211. jonmtm reblogged this from allisonweiss
  212. y00h00 reblogged this from meaghano
  213. corley reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Meaghano has been one...started tumbling. She’s...clever,...
  214. gubbeh reblogged this from allisonweiss
  215. puhterodaktyl reblogged this from allisonweiss
  216. allisonweiss reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Meaghano is even...thought she was....this so much....
  217. ericnelson reblogged this from meaghano
  218. elizpaige reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    entry from meaghano made...heart break/burst/laugh/everything
  219. thebeautyandthetragedy reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    cutest thing I’ve read...“happy ending.” plus, I’m almost
  220. rachaelmaddux reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    absolute inverse
  221. cresell reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    about this story.
  222. mandalay reblogged this from meaghano
  223. frood reblogged this from presidents
  224. corners reblogged this from presidents
  225. valori reblogged this from presidents
  226. fujiidom reblogged this from presidents and added:
    presidents / meaghano:
  227. superoeuvre reblogged this from tylercoates
  228. presidents reblogged this from meaghano
  229. fairestfall reblogged this from meaghano
  230. ettafungalsteins reblogged this from molls
  231. donkeydonkeyfruitbox reblogged this from jakec and added:
    I spent 1994 to 1997 harboring the same unrequited crush on a boy who, when he heard, told our entire 4th grade class as...
  232. catchstars reblogged this from meaghano
  233. jamhastumblr reblogged this from tylercoates and added:
    Really worth the click.
  234. fragilidad reblogged this from meaghano
  235. justspeakeasy reblogged this from tylercoates
  236. minchy reblogged this from meaghano
  237. lotusmodern reblogged this from molls
  238. blowingoutawish reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    these mega crushes...through primary school....16th...
  239. shinyredballoon reblogged this from molls and added:
    Too cute. And Molls is right....saga took much less time to come to fruition. And then we...
  240. aliuribe reblogged this from jakec and added:
    Wow. This is such a powerful story. I don’t have a story like this either, unfortunately. It would be wonderful for the...
  241. itsinthestars reblogged this from cagesorwings
  242. cameronchristopher reblogged this from beenthinking and added:
    did not feel this until high school...thus, acted like a 12 year old
  243. jimmyrabbitte reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    each other. The emotional honesty...this piece should remind
  244. jessicaaalynn reblogged this from meaghano
  245. jakec reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Beautiful. Perhaps...elementary school...misanthropic...
  246. pleasantwandering reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    is cute. The beginning totally makes
  247. legallyheidi reblogged this from beenthinking
  248. ohheymary reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    MEAGHANO IS KILLING ME. absolutely killing me. ugh meaghan, sometimes...you’re...
  249. beenthinking reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    Life is hard. Here is someone. In...loud, embarrassingly though
  250. tylercoates reblogged this from meaghano and added:
    OH MY GOD PLEASE CLICK THIS AND READ THE REST OF IT.