Favrd/Jakec: A Best Of
Some of you might be aware that between creating staggering works of literary brilliance, I like to say funny (hit-or-miss, it’s really up to you) things on Twitter. When historians review me, they’re going to divide my Twitter comedy into two eras: A Golden Age and then a New Wave. The Golden Age was back in the day when I made the joke that made it into Twitter Wit, and the New Wave are jokes made in the last couple months. These jokes have been less well-received, marking a shift in tone and style for Jake… I mean, me. Sorry, sometimes I slip in third-person when I’m being self-indulgent. Anyway, here’s a showcase of some of those tweets that I feel were deserving of far more praise:
Giving my girlfriend a facial. Nooo, not that kind. The one where I come on her face.
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I would do anything for a Klondike, but I won’t do that.
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I feel that sex is an act best performed away from the prying eyes of another individual.
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Sweet, I found some money in the back pocket of the guy standing in front of me!
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I love Infinite Jest. I just can’t put it down. Ever.
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In the hospital. My doctor looks like House. Bad news for me, I’m fairly sure it IS lupus.
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I’m so anti-conservative, I think hetero marriage should be outlawed.
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, as your victims can see you walking around naked.
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Idea: “The Hill”, a reality series about a group of upper-class congressmen and the drama of their day-to-day lives.
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Book idea: “Stuff My Crushes Have Said”. Including classics like “What was your name again?” and “That’s close enough”!
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Lady Gaga should have her own show. “One and a half men”.
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I want to taste the new iSnack but I dont want to contribute to Kraft’s profit margin. Is it possible to pirate condiments? Is there a site?
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I’m doing really well in the Twitter demo of 18-24 hot, blonde models advertising low interest credit cards.
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Hyperbole is the worst thing ever.
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Man, these chewy cookies are like crack. Probably because of all the crack I put in them.
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Has the moon surrendered yet?
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British spelling always seemed more friendly to me. The words always include u.
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The first rule of polite club is you do not talk about polite club… please.
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Two guys and a girl walk into a Dominoes, the guy at the counter goes “Mama Mia! What is-a this? A sitcom?”
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Have fun at work today, fuckers! It’s already the weekend in AustraliHOLY SHIT A GIANT SPIDER/DEADLY SNAKE/HURRICANE/DROUGHT/KEVIN RUDD
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I’ve already picked out a name for my autobiography. “Noun And Noun Colon A Brief Summary”
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I thought about joining a monastery, but I couldn’t get into the habit.
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The party is ongoing over at Twitter.
