Wednesday February 03, 2010 at 9:00

Voldemort worried about lack of demand for dark wizards.An explosion at a Primrose Hill estate sent the wealthy residents into panic until it was discovered who the estate belonged to: Former Dark Lord of the Wizarding World, Tom “Voldemort” Riddle. The explosion was a result of a “misfiring wand” after Mr. Riddle had flown into a rage, but what caused this outburst? “Those damn kids.” he explained. “I can’t fly past a news stand in Diagon Alley without seeing one of their faces, so now I just avoid the place altogether.” The former tyrant, known for causing over a decade of pain, misery and despair, has become despondent over the lack of calls from his agent. “The ginger’s making a name for himself in comedy, the mudblood’s got her own fucking fashion line, and Potter… like Molly Shannon said, don’t even get me started. Dude looks more skeletal than I do, yet half of the teenage population still wants to be inside him.”After constant defeat at the hands of the teenaged trio, Mr. Riddle had retired to his Primrose home to become a recluse, occasionally penning pop culture critiques for The Sun under the pseudonym Tim Ruddle. When the seventh Harry Potter film comes out next year, he says the public is in for a shock. “The two or three people that read the novels already know this, but the story has been heavily sensationalized. As you can see, and this is a spoiler alert for those at home, I’m very much alive. Potter didn’t finish me off in the Great Hall, he sucker punched me. It was humiliating, yes, but the whole event is blown way out of proportion. Now look at that little bitch. If only I’d spent as much for a decent PR agent as he had”.Though Riddle will have to fix his house manually after having his wand suspended by the Ministry, the future is not all bleak. “Maybe that Pattinson fella’s looking for a sidekick,” he whispered hopefully, before posing with a hammer for a photographer that will never come.

Voldemort worried about lack of demand for dark wizards.

An explosion at a Primrose Hill estate sent the wealthy residents into panic until it was discovered who the estate belonged to: Former Dark Lord of the Wizarding World, Tom “Voldemort” Riddle. The explosion was a result of a “misfiring wand” after Mr. Riddle had flown into a rage, but what caused this outburst? “Those damn kids.” he explained. “I can’t fly past a news stand in Diagon Alley without seeing one of their faces, so now I just avoid the place altogether.”

The former tyrant, known for causing over a decade of pain, misery and despair, has become despondent over the lack of calls from his agent. “The ginger’s making a name for himself in comedy, the mudblood’s got her own fucking fashion line, and Potter… like Molly Shannon said, don’t even get me started. Dude looks more skeletal than I do, yet half of the teenage population still wants to be inside him.”

After constant defeat at the hands of the teenaged trio, Mr. Riddle had retired to his Primrose home to become a recluse, occasionally penning pop culture critiques for The Sun under the pseudonym Tim Ruddle. When the seventh Harry Potter film comes out next year, he says the public is in for a shock. “The two or three people that read the novels already know this, but the story has been heavily sensationalized. As you can see, and this is a spoiler alert for those at home, I’m very much alive. Potter didn’t finish me off in the Great Hall, he sucker punched me. It was humiliating, yes, but the whole event is blown way out of proportion. Now look at that little bitch. If only I’d spent as much for a decent PR agent as he had”.

Though Riddle will have to fix his house manually after having his wand suspended by the Ministry, the future is not all bleak. “Maybe that Pattinson fella’s looking for a sidekick,” he whispered hopefully, before posing with a hammer for a photographer that will never come.

  1. aliuribe reblogged this from jakec and added:
    Voldemort, Voldemort, oh Voldie Voldie Voldie…
  2. jakec posted this