Tuesday February 09, 2010 at 14:03

Reviewing the Kim Kardashian sex tape0:10 - It’s mesmerising watching her ass jiggle. It’s like a highly viscous fluid.0:25 - Whoever edited this video thought it would be a wise idea to layer on synth-y porn music AND dub in extra moans. Not a decision I would’ve endorsed, had I been involved in the process.0:36 - Ray J is pretty inconsistent with his rhythm.1:14 - He loves licking the side of her face and then staring into the camera. It’s a little off-putting, frankly.1:39: - Bow bumpow, bow dunna now now.2:00 - The FUCK? It just cut to some home video of them wandering around, fully clothed, talking about fucking. “I’m gonna loosen her right up”. Boring.2:17 - I like her Burberry bikini. 2:35 - “Yo, this is Ray J, I really just wanna eat Kim’s pussy so bad” Sending this clip to Reggie Bush in the hope of starting a feud and contributing to the Saints demise. Hopefully he hasn’t seen this yet.2:50 - Mostly just shots of Ray J’s tongue and loud sucking noises at this point. I think Kim might be asleep.3:30 - Okay, back to the action, Ray J rockin’ it from behind again with his now-trademark “Pound away for a few seconds, pause to lick face and stare at camera” special move.4:30 - Kim’s quite vocal about how much she’s enjoying it. Why does she still have her bikini on?4:40 - Close up of Ray J’s turgid member. All I can say is: Myth busted.5:10 - I guess he is a rapper, but I still can’t fathom how little rhythm he has.5:39 - More ass-jiggling and fake moaning. The production quality on this is unreal. Multiple angles!5:46 - Kim’s face is contorted in that sex-pain look, which I’ve always found to be a total turn off.6:20 - Kim taking care of herself while Ray J tapes. Still with her bikini top on. Getting kind of bored. What’s on TV?6:47 - “What’s your middle name?” “Douglas, happy?” “Not sure, I don’t know your middle name” Keith Partridge is hilarious.7:00 - “Maybe if you give it a try, you might find you enjoy it” “Fine. I gave it a try, now can we go?” Where did you go wrong, Danny Bonaduce?7:12 - Ray J talking about how he’s the illest director on the scene. According to Kim, he’s “Large and in charge”. Watching Ray J lick some lotion off Kim’s breast was about as seductive as that elephant documentary I watched on NatGeo a while ago, and far less educational.7:46 - Kim chatting to the camera back in the room. It’s a cute moment.7: 50 - Oh okay, now she’s sucking his dick. Quite vigorously.7:52 - Now she’s done with the blowjob, putting to rest yesterday’s debate.8:02 - “Oh shit, I’m gonna come” If that hadn’t been looped about 30 times already, I might believe it. Ray J is jack-hammering away.9:05 - Now we see some areoli as Kim slides down her top. You’re making it hard for yourself, Kim. Not making it hard for me, though.9:30 - “You gonna come for me? I want you to come… all over my face” BABY WE WERE BORN TO COOOOOME! 9:32 - Now she’s trying to finish him off on her face. Ray J has his hands on his hips, like “Seriously? Are you even trying?”9:45 - The film ends with gratuitous shots of Kim. She’s in good shape, I wonder what her work-out regime is.Ultimately, it was pretty lackluster material, and afterwards I was left with a great amount of shame and guilt. The best thing that could be said about this production were the important points it brought up regarding interracial relations, selfish vs selfless love, and the merits of fourth-wall-breaking post-modernism in amateur pornography. 3/5 stars.

Reviewing the Kim Kardashian sex tape

0:10 - It’s mesmerising watching her ass jiggle. It’s like a highly viscous fluid.

0:25 - Whoever edited this video thought it would be a wise idea to layer on synth-y porn music AND dub in extra moans. Not a decision I would’ve endorsed, had I been involved in the process.

0:36 - Ray J is pretty inconsistent with his rhythm.

1:14 - He loves licking the side of her face and then staring into the camera. It’s a little off-putting, frankly.

1:39: - Bow bumpow, bow dunna now now.

2:00 - The FUCK? It just cut to some home video of them wandering around, fully clothed, talking about fucking. “I’m gonna loosen her right up”. Boring.

2:17 - I like her Burberry bikini.

2:35 - “Yo, this is Ray J, I really just wanna eat Kim’s pussy so bad” Sending this clip to Reggie Bush in the hope of starting a feud and contributing to the Saints demise. Hopefully he hasn’t seen this yet.

2:50 - Mostly just shots of Ray J’s tongue and loud sucking noises at this point. I think Kim might be asleep.

3:30 - Okay, back to the action, Ray J rockin’ it from behind again with his now-trademark “Pound away for a few seconds, pause to lick face and stare at camera” special move.

4:30 - Kim’s quite vocal about how much she’s enjoying it. Why does she still have her bikini on?

4:40 - Close up of Ray J’s turgid member. All I can say is: Myth busted.

5:10 - I guess he is a rapper, but I still can’t fathom how little rhythm he has.

5:39 - More ass-jiggling and fake moaning. The production quality on this is unreal. Multiple angles!

5:46 - Kim’s face is contorted in that sex-pain look, which I’ve always found to be a total turn off.

6:20 - Kim taking care of herself while Ray J tapes. Still with her bikini top on. Getting kind of bored. What’s on TV?

6:47 - “What’s your middle name?” “Douglas, happy?” “Not sure, I don’t know your middle name” Keith Partridge is hilarious.

7:00 - “Maybe if you give it a try, you might find you enjoy it” “Fine. I gave it a try, now can we go?” Where did you go wrong, Danny Bonaduce?

7:12 - Ray J talking about how he’s the illest director on the scene. According to Kim, he’s “Large and in charge”. Watching Ray J lick some lotion off Kim’s breast was about as seductive as that elephant documentary I watched on NatGeo a while ago, and far less educational.

7:46 - Kim chatting to the camera back in the room. It’s a cute moment.

7: 50 - Oh okay, now she’s sucking his dick. Quite vigorously.

7:52 - Now she’s done with the blowjob, putting to rest yesterday’s debate.

8:02 - “Oh shit, I’m gonna come” If that hadn’t been looped about 30 times already, I might believe it. Ray J is jack-hammering away.

9:05 - Now we see some areoli as Kim slides down her top. You’re making it hard for yourself, Kim. Not making it hard for me, though.

9:30 - “You gonna come for me? I want you to come… all over my face” BABY WE WERE BORN TO COOOOOME!

9:32 - Now she’s trying to finish him off on her face. Ray J has his hands on his hips, like “Seriously? Are you even trying?”

9:45 - The film ends with gratuitous shots of Kim. She’s in good shape, I wonder what her work-out regime is.

Ultimately, it was pretty lackluster material, and afterwards I was left with a great amount of shame and guilt. The best thing that could be said about this production were the important points it brought up regarding interracial relations, selfish vs selfless love, and the merits of fourth-wall-breaking post-modernism in amateur pornography. 3/5 stars.

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