Øη (Null Eta) is my visionary strategic business strategy framework strategy, based on instantly achieving zero efficiency using only cool greek letters, secret naps, and the occasional off-site retreat on the Las Vegas strip. Its goal — such as it is — is to make nothing happen. No efficiency. Nay: null efficiency. The absence of efficiency. None efficient. Empty set. Zzzzp.
Sure, bullshit like Six Sigma may seem like a lot of costly nonsense for middle managers to squirt on their resumes like a grievous, room-temperature aioli. But, øη is a truly revolutionary approach to re-imagining business excellence vis-a-vis deliberately unintentional and persistent stasis. Go, ahead. Sit down. Try it. Nice, right?
“Six nines?” Sure. If you have that kind of time to dick around on increasingly minor improvements before you give up and get a goddamned highball. But, Null Eta kicks in the first day you spend two hours trying to figure out what the fuck it means. Then, it never lets go. Until there’s simply no time or resources to care any more. That’s how you know it’s working. That’s Null Eta.
It’s the tent pole of a modern enterprise strategy that scales like a motherfucker. So, come on: drop those nines, and join the empty set.
Merlin Mann is the apotheosis of satirizing corporate bullshit.
