Who Is The Elusive Paris Hilton?
Fame ravishes the cultural wasteland of Los Angeles like a plague, the most revered victim of which is the enigmatic Paris Hilton. Hounded by vicious armies of photographers and unkind reporters, she imposed exile upon herself in an effort to avoid the media. A notorious recluse, Hilton devotes most of her time to her various crafts like acting and fashion. With an impressive filmography that has been unfairly dismissed by the snobby elite, she has formed an underground fanbase of appreciators who adore the experimental and conceptual nature of her work. The persona she expertly portrays during her interviews, which she now rarely gives, is just that: A mask to hide the misunderstood girl beneath. Who is the real Paris Hilton?
Born into a family of modest wealth as the oldest of four children, Hilton led a semi-charmed early life. The natural beauty and her siblings lived in relative comfort, the inhabitants of several homes including a suite at the Waldorf-Astoria, but despite this, she always remained grounded. As she was only one in four, much of her parents’ attention was divided, leaving Paris to find her own way. Neglect caused her to seek validation in the real life Shangri-La, Hollywood. The enterprising young woman was determined to make a name for herself in the entertainment industry rather than remaining overshadowed by the legacy of her family. Wise enough to realise she couldn’t go straight to the top, she decided to start at the bottom. To this end, she stormed into Donald Trump’s office and demanded a job. The aging real estate mogul saw in her a fiery passion to rival his own, and signed her to his modeling agency, T-Management, on the spot. The then-nineteen-year-old had gotten her foot in the door.
The publicity it garnered led to much more work, and she became prolific. Suddenly she was skyrocketing past the moderate recognition of her surname. Eventually she succumbed to the temptation of the lifestyle, and she began partying hard, earning her the title “socialite”, and soon promotion gigs were falling into her lap. However, her meteoric rise was tempered by a salacious scandal: the release of “1 Night In Paris.” Hilton tried to prevent the release of the tape on the argument that she was clearly intoxicated and hadn’t given consent for it to be filmed. She was vocal about her opposition to the release of the tape, quelling any rumours that she was soooo doing it for the attention. Despite her best efforts, the tape came out. After this event, Paris Hilton would change forever.
She began taking on riskier, more daring projects. While the public’s bloodlust never abated, she focused her attention on starring in groundbreaking films like House of Wax, which asked the audience “What would happen if all your friends were turned into wax?”, a question previously too radical to make it to cinemas. This was followed by producing and starring in “Pledge This!”, the latest in the critically-acclaimed National Lampoon series. Despite these bold ventures, she was still almost universally panned. In 2008 she released her magnum opus, a film called “The Hottie and The Nottie.” A reflective meditation on the nature of beauty and its role in Western society, it was the most profound of Hilton’s work to date. The critics of the film were voracious while failing to appreciate the symbolism of the film’s story as it related to Hilton’s career. Once upon a time, she’d been The Hottie, but after a life of demonization by the media, she had become The Nottie. The film was a cry for help that went unanswered.
Then, she gave up. After a well-publicized stint in prison, she retreated to the confines of her mansion, only leaving to take meetings with up and coming independent film makers and underground artists. She’d failed to change her perception, so her only hope now was to fade away and dedicate her life to more fulfilling pursuits than seeking validation. She found love in the arms of baseball superstar Doug Reinhardt. Linked to that double-chinned hussy Lauren Conrad from reality TV show The Hills before being ferociously dumped in front of the cameras, he found consolation in the arms of Hilton, who reportedly was the only one he felt he could talk to after the public humiliation. According to Paris, they are very happy together. These days, she’s doing very well for herself. Her appetite for work is ferocious, pursuing ventures in avenues like film, fashion, fragrances and television. And even though we may never see a return to the Paris Hilton we once loved to hate, at least we can take comfort in her inspiring story.
Small human erupts from area woman.
The quiet suburb of Normalville was thrown into chaos today as news spread of a tiny man bursting forth from local resident Tamara Wilcox. After a painful twelve hour struggle, Mrs. Wilcox experienced great relief amid a flood of blood, limbs and various unidentified bodily fluids.
“I was literally shocked,” she said. “When I noticed I’d rapidly gained weight over the past eight or nine months, I didn’t realise there was another person inside me taking up all that space.” Sources close to Mrs. Wilcox are excited. “This is so crazy, I really admire Tammy for surviving the ordeal because it sounded hella painful!” stated Tamara’s best friend, Janeane.
The midget seems capable only of crying and stumbling around, but Mrs. Wilcox already has big plans. “I’m going to put him to work immediately as my personal butler. After the pain I went through getting him out of me, it’s the least he can do”.
Dr. Stefanopolous, professor at the University of Normalville, was just as confused as anybody. “As far as I know, there’s only anecdotal evidence that this has happened before. I’m very interested in studying it.”
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Voldemort worried about lack of demand for dark wizards.
An explosion at a Primrose Hill estate sent the wealthy residents into panic until it was discovered who the estate belonged to: Former Dark Lord of the Wizarding World, Tom “Voldemort” Riddle. The explosion was a result of a “misfiring wand” after Mr. Riddle had flown into a rage, but what caused this outburst? “Those damn kids.” he explained. “I can’t fly past a news stand in Diagon Alley without seeing one of their faces, so now I just avoid the place altogether.”
The former tyrant, known for causing over a decade of pain, misery and despair, has become despondent over the lack of calls from his agent. “The ginger’s making a name for himself in comedy, the mudblood’s got her own fucking fashion line, and Potter… like Molly Shannon said, don’t even get me started. Dude looks more skeletal than I do, yet half of the teenage population still wants to be inside him.”
After constant defeat at the hands of the teenaged trio, Mr. Riddle had retired to his Primrose home to become a recluse, occasionally penning pop culture critiques for The Sun under the pseudonym Tim Ruddle. When the seventh Harry Potter film comes out next year, he says the public is in for a shock. “The two or three people that read the novels already know this, but the story has been heavily sensationalized. As you can see, and this is a spoiler alert for those at home, I’m very much alive. Potter didn’t finish me off in the Great Hall, he sucker punched me. It was humiliating, yes, but the whole event is blown way out of proportion. Now look at that little bitch. If only I’d spent as much for a decent PR agent as he had”.
Though Riddle will have to fix his house manually after having his wand suspended by the Ministry, the future is not all bleak. “Maybe that Pattinson fella’s looking for a sidekick,” he whispered hopefully, before posing with a hammer for a photographer that will never come.
Poor parenting and low education standards blamed for increase in terrible grammar.
A radical new paper published in reputed social studies magazine Seriously You Guys has attributed a sharp increase in poor spelling and grammar among teens to the authority figures responsible for educating those teens.
The revolutionary study contradicts the widely held belief that Facebook and Twitter are responsible for the downfall of proper English. The author of the essay, James McEnglishman, has long been a proponent of the theory that the people who should be tutoring and mentoring these children have failed as teachers and are shifting the blame onto modern technology. “Are you fucking kidding me? How about instead of shirking responsibility, you carry out the immensely important task you’ve been set to educate the next generation?” rhetorically asked McEnglishman. His controversial views have made him an outcast among teaching circles around the world, some labeling him an “extremist”.
“Are YOU fucking kidding ME?” responded leading psychologist Abraham Stevens, author of the book The Internet Is Killing Your Children, a comprehensive study on the effects of digital communication on youth. “Facebook apps like ‘Type As Poorly As You Can’ and ‘Win An iPod By Typing Lol Five Thousand Times’ encourage incorrect spelling and grammar”. When asked for his response to this, McEnglishman denied knowledge of these apps, his ignorance something the public should take into consideration. “I’ve never heard of those apps. In fact, I’m pretty sure Abe just made those up. Yo Abe, isn’t your son failing third grade?” he retorted.
The discussion then devolved into a heated debate regarding the merits of the participants’ mothers.
This study came to light due to recent discussions in Congress over whether to ban Facebook and Twitter over marked increases in narcissism, a character flaw many leading journalists believe is responsible for the melting ice caps.
Comedian Jim Carrey found dead in his mansion.
Comedy legend Jim Carrey was found face down in his Brentwood mansion by his wife, former-Playboy model Jenny McCarthy, who immediately called 911.
McCarthy, addressing the press as “Transnational Ambassador for Health”, attributed her husband’s death to the antibiotics he’d taken for an ear infection three years previously, saying “I’m telling you guys, modern medicine is poison!”
Investigators first on the scene disputed the widow’s claim, stating “It seems like he was smothered to death, possibly with two large, spherical cushions”.
Friends close to Carrey stated that he’d been suffering a bout of depression for some time after being denied access to the utopian biodome he inhabited during the filming of “The Truman Show”. There was also speculation as to schizophrenia: Carrey had spent a week referring to himself as “Mr. Burbank”. This allegedly caused his wife much distress and anger, which culminated in a 911 call over a domestic dispute two nights ago. Investigators also found thousands of equations scrawled across the walls of his study, and a plain wooden mask, where Carrey’s body was found.
The critically-acclaimed comedian’s career spanned three decades, making him one of the most recognisable faces in comedy, and will be sorely missed by the motivational seminar industry.
